The Top 5 Regrets of The Dying

A palliative nurse named Bonnie Ware recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and put her findings into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

It’s not surprising to see what made the list, as they are all things that touch each of our lives as we often share the same struggles in paying attention to and making time for the things we truly love.

Nonetheless, I’d like to address one thing before we get to this list. It’s important to remember that, regardless of what stage we are at in life, regret does not necessarily serve us to hold onto. It leads to suffering, and when we indulge too deeply, we allow the past to dictate how we feel about the present and even shape our future in ways we don’t want.

Rather than giving in to regret, we can use the past as a reference point to understand what adjustments we would like to make moving forward. The adjustments do not have to come out of a place of excessive suffering, sorrow, or judgment, but rather a choice to do things differently. We are learning all the time, and we can very quickly slow that learning process down by getting stuck in feelings of remorse. This isn’t to say we shouldn’t feel what we feel, but to process those feelings and move on.

Top 5 Regrets

1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”

What holds us back from living a life true to ourselves? If we can identify a few things, why not put the work in to move past the barriers. Seek out for help in this process if needed. The idea is we can start living today but we have to make the choice to begin that journey.

2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

This is the trappings of our current society, what it values, and what it convinces people is a ‘good life.’ It’s important to realize that service, contribution and vocation are important parts of life, but most of us are living lives doing things to fulfill what we are sold as ‘meaningful.’ You don’t need 6 or 7 figures to be happy.

3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

If this applies to you, what holds you back from expressing your feelings? Is there aspects of yourself you have shut off? Become numb to? Seek help in exploring these parts in a safe way if needed.

4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

Who is one friend you want to truly stay in touch with or get back in touch with? How are you nurturing that relationship? Sometimes we are waiting for others, but we are that friend that someone else is waiting on too.

5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

 “This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

Happiness is a choice to an extent, but this can be a bit tricky if we have much trauma or work to do in order to feel joy in our lives. This isn’t to say we shouldn’t explore finding that joy, but that there can be more going on within us that blocks our ability to feel joy. Nonetheless, we have the choice to move in that direction, but we have to do the work. What is the very first step you can take?